We Never Met

I never met my dad's mom.  No one really talks about her.  She has become this legend in my mind.  I create ideas of how I think she was and what she would be like if I knew her now.
The only picture I have seen is her standing by my young father.  She is beautiful, thin, in a formfitting dress, a thin line smile across her face. I look nothing like her, I have never been told I look like her.  No one really looks like her.  She is of her own person.
I have this feeling my grandma wasn't the motherly type.  When my dad does speak of her it is with some affection, but not that affection that speaks of bedtime stories and fresh bake chocolate chip cookies.  The affection is somewhat mysterious.  My grandmother was almost an enigma.
I think of my own troubling mother past and the possibility of what my grandmother was and I wonder if I try to hard.  Or I don't try hard enough.
And I am what my grandmother was.  Did she feel the same way as I do now?  What if being a mother doesn't come naturally?  What if it is learned?  A series of tests.  Trials and tribulations.  What if you weren't born to be a mother but you find yourself on this journey?  What if you didn't know the mothers and grandmothers before you? 
Your mothering litmus test.
 I see my grandmother as a story, a tragedy more then a fairy tale.  Some days I wish I had known her.  
And some days, like today, I am satisfied with the story.

Why I Am Not Blogging This Week

1. The kids start school this week
2. Volunteer obligations
3. Laundry
4. World hunger
5. Pea soup
6. Laundry
7. I broke the internet.
8. Too much Twitter
9. Too much Facebook
10. Laundry
11. Hostile takeover

  12. The cat ate my blog

One More Angel in Heaven

Sometimes in the mix of copious blogs you miss a good one.  SummerM, one of my oldest, most opinionated, why I love her, blogger friends linked this video on Twitter....

FromYouTube:
Carla Zilber-Smith died May 21st, 2010 of ALS, but at her funeral, she had one final surprise: a video that she had kept secret for over a year, even from her own family, that brought the audience (because of course her funeral had an audience) to laughter, tears, etc.

If you want to read more about Carla, go to carlamuses.blogspot.com, where she blogged for several years. Carla is the subject of the upcoming documentary "Leave Them Laughing: A Musical Comedy About Dying," which you can find out about at leavethemlaughingfilm.com.

Beautiful, no other words.
How awesome would it have been to read this woman as she lived her moments, which to me is the best part of blogging.  May she rest in peace always.

Last Day of School

It's scary and frightening and exciting all at the same time.
I dropped off Nolan today and I cried.  Not because I was going to have two children in my house 24-7 without a break, but because my boy is growing and getting bigger and there is nothing, nothing I can do about it.
I can't imagine the sort of excited energy he will have when I pick him up today.  The idea that sitting in a classroom is done, and endless hours outside is heaven for a little boy. 
I know we will make it through these warm, hot, humid sticky months and wonder where our time went. 
Just when things get crazy and I am ready to ship him off to year round boarding school I can come back and look at this post.  A reminder that it is all good.

A kid can't live on ranch dressing alone

I look over at the three year old and see her, minus dipable carrots,  eating the ranch dressing from the bowl with her fingers.

Yum!
This gives new meaning to unexceptionable double-dipping

Of course I don't put the carrots on the plate for my health, I hear they are kinda good for you. 
But what do I know I am just a mom.

May 16, 2010

*So ends a "husband works" weekend.  12 hour shift means I have the kids all day, all weekend.  We have reached the point that I don't run to every cry.  I ignore the fighting, in fact I  ran into the bathroom yesterday and turned on the faucet then flushed to toilet, twice, to drowned out the noise.

*I finished reading As Cool As I Am.  I am also fascinated by men who write "coming of age" tales and the main character is a teen girl.  They must have been a teen girl in another life.  Or they are really fascinated by teen girls, which is kind of creepy.

*I also read The Opposite of Love, which has been sitting on my book shelf forever.  When I finally finish a book I have been  putting off there is this great sense of accomplishment.  If I can finally finish Wuthering Heights
that would beyond that great sense; I will have to throw a party. This book is a great sore spot for me, every time I start it I cry.

May 14, 2010

Today was a bad day.  Today with 101 things to do I forgot the one thing that was important to her.  I walked into preschool as moms were filing out.  I asked if I was late and they reminded me it was the Mother's Day tea.  They consoled me like I was the one who needed it.  I found her in the corner all by herself and for a moment I saw tears forming.  I picked her up and held her close.  I whispered I was sorry, like that was enough.  I hurt her little heart.
She smiled and gave me my gift, as if I deserved it.  She hugged and kissed me, as if I deserved it. 
I told her we would do something today, just her and I.  I promised pie and ice cream, she refused them all.  All she wanted was to go to the garden and look at birds with her binoculars.  And that is so her.   All pig-tails and smiles passing up treats and sweets just to walk with me awhile.  She never ceases to amaze me. 
 

May 13, 2010

*You did not hear what I did yesterday because essential what I did was sit on my fat ass and finished reading "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo"  It is a good book, if you are looking for a good book get it.  There my public service for the week is done.
It feels good to help people.

*Billy the Exterminator is on right at this very moment.  It is on a lot in this house.  Most kids give "cooties"  my kids run around saying "I just gave you dysentery."  "Don't come near me you have botulism."  "Ewww...You have toxicplasmosis."

*My Google Reader has re-dunk-u-lous right now.  I have switched from my "iGoogle" to "Classic" Google just so I don't have that 3 digit number in my face all the time.

*I did get a chance to read my friend Mel's blog, where she talked about a song(s) that reflects your life.  My songs go back all the way to the day when "Ally McBeal" had to find her theme song.  Do you remember that?  Tracy Ullman was her shrink and she told Ally to find her theme song.
I have two theme songs, one for each of my personalities, they are.....

and....



These songs may lead you to believe that I walk around in Birkenstocks all day, rolling dubies.  You are only half right.

*Now Nolan just told me he learned about histoplasmosis.  I am sure before the night is through Meg will "catch" it.

May 11, 2010

*I did not change the name of this blog.....but the day is not over yet.

*I volunteered for something and, not to go outside my bad habit, I waited for the last minute to do it.  I cut, pasted, glue, cricuted, braded till my whole body hurt.  This is what you get when you tell people you scrapbook, you become the designated crafting asshole.
It is all done and I must look back at this the next time I volunteer.

*Reading "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo."  I know little of Sweden- 'cept for their rolls and ABBA of course.  I am forced to rely on character summaries on Wikipedia and Google Maps of Sweden.  We would even mention all the Swedish corporate corruption in this book.  I try to stay out of that drama here in my own country I can't be involved in other countries business.

*Taco Tuesday concludes with a bang- You think after I realized the effects Taco Tuesdays have on me I would stop participating in the Taco Tuesday festivities.

Reading and Lawn Turds and Jiggly Ass

Today I fill you with randomness.....

• I have been wrapped up in the "Sookie Stackhouse" series lately, and this is the main reason I haven't been blogging.  In about two weeks I have read a total of seven of the books.  Rainy days I wrap myself in bed.  Sunny days I sit on the deck.  The kids are pretty independent about playing so I have been getting a lot of reading time.  The books are usually under 300 pages so finishing in 24 hours is a breeze.
• I am in love with my reading lamp, a real simple silver architect lamp if I could marry it I would.  I love how I can adjust it to the perfect angle to suit my reading needs.   Everyone in the world should have one of these lamps.
• I am losing the battle.  The exercise battle that is.  This again has to do with my recent love of reading habit I have fallen into.  When the choice comes to how I want to spend my hour of peace the book wins every time.  
• The men in our  neighbor got together and rented an aerator for the lawn.  What ever purpose it serves I don't care cause right now I have a load of "lawn turds" all over my yard.  Having "lawn turds"  means the kids can't play in the yard without getting mud all over their shoes slash bike tire slash scooter wheels.  This mud then makes it's way into the house and then ends up on the floor and on the carpet.  When I asked about cleaning up the "lawn turds" I was informed that the "lawn turds" just stay there and go back into the ground.  So we pulled up "lawn turds" from the ground for "lawn turds" to back into the ground?  This ladies is why I will never understand men.
• Some days I just need coffee through an I.V.
• Some days I just wanna run away
• Some days I want a maid slash cook slash butler slash chauffeur slash personal assistant.  
• Some days I wish there was such a thing as a "laundry fairy"
• Soon I will be joining the whole fam for a weekend at the water park.  This of course means I will have to be in a swim suit.  Which means I will have to shave my legs and other areas.  I fear shaving all that more then I fear people seeing my jiggly ass, is that weird?

Hidden Posts and Extreme Anger

Have you ever hidden a post, post-date it back a couple of months so it's not on your front page for anyone and everyone to read?  I just did.  Call me a wimp, a coward whatever.  I just needed to get out some anger and frustration, I wanted it to be here, just not right here, up front for the world to see.
Mostly it was about the anger that I felt towards a person, a grown adult.  My anger boiled over and became something almost physical.  I stood outside, I saw this person and it took every ounce of personal strength not to go over to her and hit her.  Strike her.  Pull out every hair on her head.  I felt a ashamed that someone could yield such a violent reaction.  That hate boiled over to a point that could have been of no return. 
I walked inside to breathe, cried a little, counted to one hundred and composed myself.   I couldn't find my way back outside to where she was, I just didn't trust myself enough.
A question: Have you ever hidden a post?  Why?

You say guilt like it's a bad thing

I hate guilt.  I hate to feel guilty.  But I know guilt is good.  Guilt keeps me in check.  It keeps me in line.
If I am feeling guilty about being on my blogs too much, I know it is time to unplug and spend quality time with the kiddos.
If I am guilty about the meals going into my kids mouths, I make sure the next day I make a great, healthy meal for the family.
When the guilt starts to wash over me when I yell at the kids I stop, take a deep breath, count to ten and start on a better foot.
When my fifth consecutive day with no exercise plagues me with mountains of guilt I put on my tennies, get my I-pod and take a long walk. 
Every time I feel guilty I know there is a reason.  NO ONE can make me feel guilty.  NO ONE can put that into my head.  Guilt is always my own, a time for inner reflection. 

My Pledge

Today I stand before you and take this pledge...
Today I promise not to judge, make assumptions of another mother.
I will not question her ability or her judgments till I know her story.
I will not tell her she's breastfeeding too long or too short
I will allow her to nurse in comfort, how she chooses without stares of judgment.
I will not question why she is feeding her baby from a bottle, and assume she doesn't know what's best.
I understand to a mom the most important thing is that their child is nurtured in love.
Instead of an all-knowing stare or turning away from a mom whose children are yelling, screaming, being all sort of unruly I promise to give her a smile or a hand.  I promise to let her know it is okay,  we have all been there and that she is not alone.
I promise to give my words of advice only when needed or asked for, that sometimes sharing frustrations and problems is just venting.
I promise to listen.
I promise not to judge  mothering ability by what a child wears.
If they have a dirty face.
or dirty clothes.
If they are loud.
or quiet.
If their nose is caked in snot
or they have red kool-aid stained lips.
I promise to understand that we all have those days, when all we can do is the bare minimum and remeber that tomorrow will be better.
I promise
if you look tired I will offer you rest.
if you are hungry I will offer you food
if you need a friend I will be there.
I promise to be a partner in motherhood.

MadriGLEEK and Pantaloons

GLEE! is coming!  GLEE! is coming!
I am not your fair-weathered lover of high school singing and dancing groups.  Oh no! I was there.  I did it.  I was a total choir nerd.  I was a singing, dancing geek.  So Glee is a blast from the past for me.  And we had em' all.
*The overachiever who flipped when she didn't get the lead in the yearly musical.
*The football player
*The preppy "cheerleader" girls who gave you hell (minus the cheerleading skirts)
*And they totally fashionable gay kid- (a little less Helmut and a lot more Ambercrombie)
I loved it.  Every minute.  I lived and breathed it.  I'd go back and do it all over again.
Total geek.
The school year started out right away with Madrigal auditions, those selected learned the fine art of medieval bell ringing and Christmas caroling.  The girls wore long dresses and fancy head pieces with scarves cascading down the back of our heads.  The boys wore hats with plumes, pantaloons and tights, and yes the football players wore tights.
We started off with the lovely six am practices.  We had after school practices.  We sang Christmas carols in August.  We sang Christmas carols before the sun came up.  We sang Christmas carols as the sun went down.  Hell I was singing Christmas carols in my sleep.
All this in preparation for traveling around Oshkosh singing and preforming for nursing homes, The Kiwanis Christmas luncheon, the local art center and the sprinkles on the Christmas caroling hot chocolate from Annie's cafe, the local movie theater.
After the madrigal season we were pushed right into the musical season which is where all the ball-changes and jazz hands come in, which is a whole other blog post.
There was no show choir, no GLEE club, but it was fun none the less. 
So I am now dubbing myself a MadirGleek because one day all the gleeks will inherit the earth and we will make sweet sweet music as we do it!

Go ahead and judge

Do I judge other mothers?
Yes, and I don't need your blog to do it.
Do other moms judge me?
Yes and they don't need my blog to do it.
Today I watched as half the neighborhood children ran around in bikinis and swim trunks I couldn't help myself, I judged their moms.  It wasn't cold out,but it wasn't hot.  In my opinion it was too cold to have children running around half naked.  It was just my opinion, does that mean I am right?
Today Megan wanted to wear her Dora pajama pants and Minnie Mouse ears all day.  To the park.  To McDonald's and all day.  She hadn't worn the pj pants to bed the night before, she put them on this morning and refused to change.  Did someone look at her and wonder if I even changed her into clean clothes this morning?  And why do I care if someone did?
My children tell me they love me and I am the best mom ever.  They say smart things like ketchup cleans pennies and MEGAN spells Me! 
One of my kids swears like a sailor.  The other enjoys saying poopy at various intervals throughout the day.  And the most used words in my house are diarrhea and diaper and penis.
I keep frozen chicken nuggets in the freezer for those days I have had it up to here, no HERE, and the idea of making a meal brings tears to my eyes.  And wine to my lips.
I baked a carrot cake.  And pancakes with whole wheat and oat flour and mashed up bananas and little chocolate chips.
My house is always a mess, but the dishes in the dishwasher are clean. 
I blog when my children are in bed mostly, but sometimes as they watch cartoons, that I put on because I need a moment of peace.
I yell, I scream and I whisper sweet nothings.  
I am a mom go ahead and judge.

Sick

Is there anything worse then a sick mama? 
Is there such thing as a mommy sick day, or is it just a myth?
Nothing like using my blog to bitch about my sickness, but it is my blog and I will do whatever I want.

This morning I woke up to two horrifying things....

1. Dried boogers on my lips.  As the snot slowly dripped down my nose, it landed on my lips and crusted.  Do boogers have any nutrition value?  And contrary to what my three year old says: boogers do NOT taste like lollipops.
2. Somewhere between bed time and waking up time Nolan had a bloody nose.  He had blood encrusted on his face, hands and hair.  It was a horrific sight.  Luckily he woke up before I did, because if I saw him in bed sleeping with all that blood I probably would have had a heart attack.  

The fact that I am typing this right now is a miracle.  I can hardly keep my eyes open, the pressure is pounding.  Not even the good stuff, you know the stuff you have to sign your life away for, is doing much of anything.  Shoving a nuzzle and injecting salt water is working somewhat.  And I ain't trying the Netti pot so don't even suggest it.  It scares me more then snakes and spiders and 6 year olds covered in blood first thing in the morning.
The good news is this sickness is that it has done wonders on my figure.  I lost like 5 pounds, awesome!  I had a twelve hour fast the other day and I walked out with a ginormous gauze on my arm and still had no desire to eat.  I forced down a Milky Way, because that is the only thing that taste good to me right now, chocolate.  Doesn't the saying go "A chocolate a day, keeps the doctor away."  Right?  RIGHT???

I am incoherently rambling now.  And I am seriously considering selling my Sudafed to a meth dealer, gotta get my money back somehow right?  Okay I am going to lay down.
bye. 

Motherhood and Writer's Goo

Rainy days bring out the blogger in me.  My brain has been a giant pile of writer goo lately.  What is writer's goo you ask?  Well it kind of looks like this....

Great huh?
Actually life has been getting in the way.  Kids have been keeping me so busy.
Megan has entered this era of sassiness  spunkiness.  She is three and defiant.  I, like every other mom in the world, thought I skated by this moment of disobedience. Once two turned into three and three turned into three and half I thought I was safe.
Not so fast there Susan.
We are never safe, as moms, from that moment when our young toddlers realize we, as their wise parents, know absolutely NOTHING of what we talk about.
I swear the other day she rolled her eyes at me.  Maybe it was just my imagination.
I, of course, realize that a raincoat is protection enough from a rainy day; but I don't want to get all wet today.
She realizes we CAN go out in the rain and play, I can not divert her inside with my total selfish reasoning.  Her reasoning is smart and well thought out, so I feel have no other choice but to suck it up and play in the rain.  There goes my blogging time.
On the boy side it is homework and pain that comes with that.  I'll save you from that misery, because if you are a mom with kids that have homework you are already dealing with it.
I'll just share this statement I make EVERY day: "And for the record I hate homework too, it needs to be done, like the dishes an the laundry and your dinner." 
When did I turn into my mother? 

The Opposite Reaction

Last night I was angry with God.  I won't get into theology here.  I won't share what I believe.  All that matters right now is that I was angry with God.  He packed a shit load of grief at my door step in this short year.  None of that grief directed right on me, but that deep grief on the people I love the most.  I hate that I can't fix it.  I hate that I can't love more.  I hate watching people in deep sadness.  I hate watching the ones I love lose someone special to them.

The tipping point for me last night was reading a story from a dad who is watching his little one die right before his eyes.  I don't know this family.  I have never said a word to them, or seen their faces, but hearing their words of pain was enough to make me give the middle finger to that giant heavenly body.  I wanted to seriously drop kick God.

Now before you whip out your bibles and start quoting passages in the comment section, don't.  Really that doesn't work on me, it only makes me angry.  It pisses me off.  It doesn't make me less angry at God it only makes me more angry at you.  So save it for someone who won't delete your comments and wish dull pain on your left middle toe.
Really.  Don't.

I can be angry.  I can feel pain.  And I will NEVER deny anyone that same feeling.  Because it is all part of the process.  We all need to feel.  And denying those feelings are, to me, a greater sin then being angry with God.

Last night I wrestle with my feelings and came to some sort of answer.  I felt something release.  It doesn't take away the pain, it just makes it more manageable.  I can help and love more now, without wanting to inflict major pain on someone I can't see, but somehow know is there.

And tomorrow is another day.  I might be angry with God, and I know that is okay.  I feel lucky I can feel.  I know the opposite reaction of hurt is joy, and I will appreciate the joy more.

My Blogging Mistakes

I often grow weary of the blogging world.  I look back at all I have done in the past two years and part of me is proud and part of me wants to hide under a blanket.  I made my mistakes.  I have learned from them.

I want to share my top five blogging mistakes.....


1. Not being myself.  There are times I go back to a post and think, "Who wrote that?"  That is never a good sign.  In the beginning I wrote how I felt, in the middle I wrote what I thought everyone wanted me to write.  Now I am finding my way back to the beginning.  I write little now, but I try to write what matters.  I don't write because I have to, I write because I want to and this allows me to be true to myself.


2. Taking on too much. I am a total idea person.  Need a good idea you can come to me.  It's the follow-through that I struggle with.  I always have this notion that I can take in the world, but the world is a heavy thing and it will crush you.

In the beginning opportunities abound and I would not turn one down.  Ideas came to me and I wanted to tackle them, put my ideas in motion.  And I fell, fell hard.  I became resentful of the work.  I thought of quitting, and I did quit.  I quit more things in my blogger life then I have in my real life.  It is almost shameful.


3. Know your true friends.  Blogging friends are a dime a dozen.  True friends are for life.  I perceived many people I met in this virtual world  friends, but truthfully I won't be friends with them in real life.  I won't invite them out for a cup of coffee.  If we didn't talk for a month they would be forgotten.

Then there are those who I can always come to.  Those who I can take a break and come back to, not because I have to, but because my your soul finds its way back.  Friends that make me feel like I am home.

There are few real friends I have kept in these past two years, I can count them on one hand.  People that have been consistent through and through and have stuck when I was not consistent.

I try hard now not to try so hard to be friends with certain people.  If it is going to happen it will happen.


4. Don't look up to people.  This was one of my biggest mistakes.  I spend so much time emulating other that I forgot what this page was all about.  I can't have others writing skills or others stats, I can only have mine.

I get that I should have goals.  But I don't think I should rely on false idols.  I rather have a mentor then someone I look at and wish.  Wish that I had their skills.  Or their blog traffic.  Or their ad space.  It just isn't healthy.


5. Spending too much time online. There were days I went online first thing in the morning and didn't stop till the kids begged for lunch an hour after their designated lunch time.  Shameful.  Blogging is not about the online world.  Blogging is about the outside world and how I deal with it.  It is less about the social media story and more about my story.  You can't share a story unless you lived it.  Lived it away from this small screen and this keyboard.  And then you come back to it.  Know you can always come back to it. 

And now I will live it.  And when I have a story to share I will come back.
Till next time.

A Little Help

I am not a blogger who asks for much, just that you read my weekly post.  But today I need your help.  Well I don't really need your help, but someone very close to me does.
My Uncle who was paralyzed in the line of duty and his new bride are looking to win the wedding of their dreams.  If you could take a few minutes and go over to Crate and Barrel Ultimate Wedding Contest and vote I'd appreciate it!  They are already legally married, but their wedding was in the hospital when my Uncle woke up from his coma, and they deserve more then that! 
 Yes, you have to enter your e-mail and verify it- which I know take more then a minute but it is for a good cause.
And thank you!   If I can repay the favor but voting for you or your special cause, let me know!