Last night I was angry with God. I won't get into theology here. I won't share what I believe. All that matters right now is that I was angry with God. He packed a shit load of grief at my door step in this short year. None of that grief directed right on me, but that deep grief on the people I love the most. I hate that I can't fix it. I hate that I can't love more. I hate watching people in deep sadness. I hate watching the ones I love lose someone special to them.
The tipping point for me last night was reading a story from a dad who is watching his little one die right before his eyes. I don't know this family. I have never said a word to them, or seen their faces, but hearing their words of pain was enough to make me give the middle finger to that giant heavenly body. I wanted to seriously drop kick God.
Now before you whip out your bibles and start quoting passages in the comment section, don't. Really that doesn't work on me, it only makes me angry. It pisses me off. It doesn't make me less angry at God it only makes me more angry at you. So save it for someone who won't delete your comments and wish dull pain on your left middle toe.
I can be angry. I can feel pain. And I will NEVER deny anyone that same feeling. Because it is all part of the process. We all need to feel. And denying those feelings are, to me, a greater sin then being angry with God.
Last night I wrestle with my feelings and came to some sort of answer. I felt something release. It doesn't take away the pain, it just makes it more manageable. I can help and love more now, without wanting to inflict major pain on someone I can't see, but somehow know is there.
And tomorrow is another day. I might be angry with God, and I know that is okay. I feel lucky I can feel. I know the opposite reaction of hurt is joy, and I will appreciate the joy more.