Ramble On

I don't look at my stats much.  Curiosity gets the best of me.  I flat lined or Google Analytics is broken.
I have been getting a bunch of Spam on one post, so I set up comment moderation to field the spammers.  One post, it's a short post and everyday I am deleting more spam comments. The fact that I am deleting comments everyday makes me believe someone is coming here and the negative stats I am showing HAS to be wrong.  Right?   RIGHT?
The idea that I have no readers means I am talking to myself, but at least I am not answering back.  In the comment section.  With the spammers.
Is it possible to spam oneself.  I have been working on starting a little internet biz so I guess essentially I could spam myself.  Then I could hate myself for spamming myself and that would set me back in this whole self-healing thing.

Sick

Is there anything worse then a sick mama? 
Is there such thing as a mommy sick day, or is it just a myth?
Nothing like using my blog to bitch about my sickness, but it is my blog and I will do whatever I want.

This morning I woke up to two horrifying things....

1. Dried boogers on my lips.  As the snot slowly dripped down my nose, it landed on my lips and crusted.  Do boogers have any nutrition value?  And contrary to what my three year old says: boogers do NOT taste like lollipops.
2. Somewhere between bed time and waking up time Nolan had a bloody nose.  He had blood encrusted on his face, hands and hair.  It was a horrific sight.  Luckily he woke up before I did, because if I saw him in bed sleeping with all that blood I probably would have had a heart attack.  

The fact that I am typing this right now is a miracle.  I can hardly keep my eyes open, the pressure is pounding.  Not even the good stuff, you know the stuff you have to sign your life away for, is doing much of anything.  Shoving a nuzzle and injecting salt water is working somewhat.  And I ain't trying the Netti pot so don't even suggest it.  It scares me more then snakes and spiders and 6 year olds covered in blood first thing in the morning.
The good news is this sickness is that it has done wonders on my figure.  I lost like 5 pounds, awesome!  I had a twelve hour fast the other day and I walked out with a ginormous gauze on my arm and still had no desire to eat.  I forced down a Milky Way, because that is the only thing that taste good to me right now, chocolate.  Doesn't the saying go "A chocolate a day, keeps the doctor away."  Right?  RIGHT???

I am incoherently rambling now.  And I am seriously considering selling my Sudafed to a meth dealer, gotta get my money back somehow right?  Okay I am going to lay down.
bye. 

5 Facts/ 5 Minutes

I stole this MEME from one of the only blog I read every single  posts, Fever.  I played along in the comment section and realized I should save all that good stuff for my own blog.  Who am I kidding, some of my best stuff is in her comment section.  Anyhoo here is my 5 facts.....

1. I might do something that will pretty much ruin my bloggy reputation.
And don't ask me what it is cause I ain't telling you- I still haven't decided if I am going to do it.

2.I tell my husband that I like certain dishes that I make, but really I think they are gross and don't want to admit they are bad. Then I tell him I ate the leftovers for lunch, but really I throw the gross food out and I scarf down the kids mac and cheese.

3. I use dish soap in the dishwasher- I have perfected the perfect ratio so bubbles don't come out of the machine.

4. I feed off stress, some of my greatest ideas come when I am an anxious-stressed mess.

5. I watch Teen Mom. And I like it.

Warm

Warm weather how I love thee.
My spirits are up.
My face is glowing.
And my computer sits idle.

Life is great!

Motherhood and Writer's Goo

Rainy days bring out the blogger in me.  My brain has been a giant pile of writer goo lately.  What is writer's goo you ask?  Well it kind of looks like this....

Great huh?
Actually life has been getting in the way.  Kids have been keeping me so busy.
Megan has entered this era of sassiness  spunkiness.  She is three and defiant.  I, like every other mom in the world, thought I skated by this moment of disobedience. Once two turned into three and three turned into three and half I thought I was safe.
Not so fast there Susan.
We are never safe, as moms, from that moment when our young toddlers realize we, as their wise parents, know absolutely NOTHING of what we talk about.
I swear the other day she rolled her eyes at me.  Maybe it was just my imagination.
I, of course, realize that a raincoat is protection enough from a rainy day; but I don't want to get all wet today.
She realizes we CAN go out in the rain and play, I can not divert her inside with my total selfish reasoning.  Her reasoning is smart and well thought out, so I feel have no other choice but to suck it up and play in the rain.  There goes my blogging time.
On the boy side it is homework and pain that comes with that.  I'll save you from that misery, because if you are a mom with kids that have homework you are already dealing with it.
I'll just share this statement I make EVERY day: "And for the record I hate homework too, it needs to be done, like the dishes an the laundry and your dinner." 
When did I turn into my mother? 

I'm a Doubting Thomas

"....oh me of little faith."

The Opposite Reaction

Last night I was angry with God.  I won't get into theology here.  I won't share what I believe.  All that matters right now is that I was angry with God.  He packed a shit load of grief at my door step in this short year.  None of that grief directed right on me, but that deep grief on the people I love the most.  I hate that I can't fix it.  I hate that I can't love more.  I hate watching people in deep sadness.  I hate watching the ones I love lose someone special to them.

The tipping point for me last night was reading a story from a dad who is watching his little one die right before his eyes.  I don't know this family.  I have never said a word to them, or seen their faces, but hearing their words of pain was enough to make me give the middle finger to that giant heavenly body.  I wanted to seriously drop kick God.

Now before you whip out your bibles and start quoting passages in the comment section, don't.  Really that doesn't work on me, it only makes me angry.  It pisses me off.  It doesn't make me less angry at God it only makes me more angry at you.  So save it for someone who won't delete your comments and wish dull pain on your left middle toe.
Really.  Don't.

I can be angry.  I can feel pain.  And I will NEVER deny anyone that same feeling.  Because it is all part of the process.  We all need to feel.  And denying those feelings are, to me, a greater sin then being angry with God.

Last night I wrestle with my feelings and came to some sort of answer.  I felt something release.  It doesn't take away the pain, it just makes it more manageable.  I can help and love more now, without wanting to inflict major pain on someone I can't see, but somehow know is there.

And tomorrow is another day.  I might be angry with God, and I know that is okay.  I feel lucky I can feel.  I know the opposite reaction of hurt is joy, and I will appreciate the joy more.

My Blogging Mistakes

I often grow weary of the blogging world.  I look back at all I have done in the past two years and part of me is proud and part of me wants to hide under a blanket.  I made my mistakes.  I have learned from them.

I want to share my top five blogging mistakes.....


1. Not being myself.  There are times I go back to a post and think, "Who wrote that?"  That is never a good sign.  In the beginning I wrote how I felt, in the middle I wrote what I thought everyone wanted me to write.  Now I am finding my way back to the beginning.  I write little now, but I try to write what matters.  I don't write because I have to, I write because I want to and this allows me to be true to myself.


2. Taking on too much. I am a total idea person.  Need a good idea you can come to me.  It's the follow-through that I struggle with.  I always have this notion that I can take in the world, but the world is a heavy thing and it will crush you.

In the beginning opportunities abound and I would not turn one down.  Ideas came to me and I wanted to tackle them, put my ideas in motion.  And I fell, fell hard.  I became resentful of the work.  I thought of quitting, and I did quit.  I quit more things in my blogger life then I have in my real life.  It is almost shameful.


3. Know your true friends.  Blogging friends are a dime a dozen.  True friends are for life.  I perceived many people I met in this virtual world  friends, but truthfully I won't be friends with them in real life.  I won't invite them out for a cup of coffee.  If we didn't talk for a month they would be forgotten.

Then there are those who I can always come to.  Those who I can take a break and come back to, not because I have to, but because my your soul finds its way back.  Friends that make me feel like I am home.

There are few real friends I have kept in these past two years, I can count them on one hand.  People that have been consistent through and through and have stuck when I was not consistent.

I try hard now not to try so hard to be friends with certain people.  If it is going to happen it will happen.


4. Don't look up to people.  This was one of my biggest mistakes.  I spend so much time emulating other that I forgot what this page was all about.  I can't have others writing skills or others stats, I can only have mine.

I get that I should have goals.  But I don't think I should rely on false idols.  I rather have a mentor then someone I look at and wish.  Wish that I had their skills.  Or their blog traffic.  Or their ad space.  It just isn't healthy.


5. Spending too much time online. There were days I went online first thing in the morning and didn't stop till the kids begged for lunch an hour after their designated lunch time.  Shameful.  Blogging is not about the online world.  Blogging is about the outside world and how I deal with it.  It is less about the social media story and more about my story.  You can't share a story unless you lived it.  Lived it away from this small screen and this keyboard.  And then you come back to it.  Know you can always come back to it. 

And now I will live it.  And when I have a story to share I will come back.
Till next time.

A Little Help

I am not a blogger who asks for much, just that you read my weekly post.  But today I need your help.  Well I don't really need your help, but someone very close to me does.
My Uncle who was paralyzed in the line of duty and his new bride are looking to win the wedding of their dreams.  If you could take a few minutes and go over to Crate and Barrel Ultimate Wedding Contest and vote I'd appreciate it!  They are already legally married, but their wedding was in the hospital when my Uncle woke up from his coma, and they deserve more then that! 
 Yes, you have to enter your e-mail and verify it- which I know take more then a minute but it is for a good cause.
And thank you!   If I can repay the favor but voting for you or your special cause, let me know!

Counting Calories

 Life is pretty boring.  The only thing that really has changed around here is our quest to eat healthier. Just what you wanna hear about, calorie counting and my silent prayers to STOP feeling hungry all the time.  I know it takes time for the body to adjust, I just wish it would do it NOW!   Hungry Mom=Cranky Mom.
What makes all this healthy eating easier is that the husband is in on it too.  A team, except he gets to eat more calories a day and that makes me a little resentful.  I really don't care if he is bigger, when he gets a second taco and I have to do that whole willpower thing I want to stab him in the stomach.
Some things you notice when you're watching your weight is the prime-time food commercials.  No food is to touch these lips after 7 pm and all I see is cheeseburgers and cheddar bay biscuits.  It is a great conspiracy.  These restaurants know people are on diets, they know the rules.  They also know hell knows no fury like a dieter tempted by sweet, sweet delicious salty covered french fries, potatoes deep fried greasy stain on a brown paper bag goodness ummmmmmm............
Whoo.....sorry got caught up there for a second.
This dietary interruptus could be the death of healthy eating and me.
I combat these devil commercials by either putting in a DVD or shutting off the TV completely and hitting the sack.  Going to bed before ten hasn't been bad for our mornings, just bad for my pop culture addiction. I hate not knowing what everyone is talking about on Twitter the next morning. 
That is it for now, if you have any tips, recipes clue me in.  

My Everyday

I have been uninspired lately.  Or just plain lazy.  Or not feeling like sharing my daily struggles of getting a six year old out of bed, dressed, fed breakfast, off to school, do homework, go to bed, everyday.  Because something happens when they're six.  Six means to challenge everything.  It is sending my mommy-sanity out the door, she's tired of the screaming, crying and pouting.
We now have this little-big six year old boy-man in a reading tutor program, which starts at 7:30 am.  This is all for his own good, but getting him out the door before 7:50 a.m. was a struggle, minus twenty minutes will prove to be a real strain on that above mentioned mommy-sanity.
The three-year old has turned into her favorite fictional character "Matilda."  We haven't read the book, just watched the movie.
My little Matilda craves independence and uses her hero's example to shun my assistance.  I could enjoy a nice day away at Bingo, or maybe I could entertain some speed boat salesmen, but sadly anxiety keeps me by her side.  Watching, waiting.  waiting.  Nothing. All on her own she does almost everything.  Almost.
During the day she is Little Miss Independent.  During the day he is Little-Big Man.   At night she turns back into my baby,  and he turns into my little boy.
Her and I  play a game of "I love you more...."  "I love you more the ice cream with chocolate sauce and sprinkles" I say.   "I love you more then strawberries," she answers back
"Goodnight best mom in the world" he says to me as I leave the room.  "Goodnight best son in the world." I reply. 
This is my life everyday.  Boring and somehow entertaining as I go back and read.  I hope you enjoy.  And maybe you can share your everyday with me.