Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Beyond

I am not a beilever of ghosts.  I have seen all those shows on T.V. and I enjoy them for their entertainment value only.  It is hard for me to really take the reality that is reality ghost T.V.
My sister believes in ghosts.  The house that once was my mom's and now her's is haunted, or so she says .  Strange happenings and other questionable events lead her to believe there is something more.  An old lady who lived almost her whole life in that small home, can't seem to leave even in death.
Not that I don't believe my sister, I just am a bit reserved in her thinking.  Strange things can easily be explained.  It is an old house, with old wiring. House that have been around make noises, I am not 100% convinced. 
What I do believe is those we love who are gone look out for us, they leave us on earth but don't leave us alone. They don't haunt, but guide.  They don't change shape or float around finding ways to scare us.  Those we love that are gone do more, their presence is shown in small ways.  It is easier for me to believe this because I have lived it.  I have seen this type of heavenly intervention with my own eyes and heart.

My husband's favorite childhood memories are of his summers with his Grandma Stella.  Stella was the storybook grandmother, and more.  His days were filled with exploration and visits to the store for candy.  At night his requests for late night hamburgers were never ignored.
Every boy's dreams.
His best memories are of the daily trips to the general store for "Radio Bingo" cards.  A ritual, they would gather around the radio after lunch and listen to the announcer call the winning numbers.  He couldn't tell you if they ever won, if his grandma got the lucky BINGO, the memory of  listening and playing is what he holds on to.
Years past and he grew up.  
When I met Stella dementia had set in but she still had that warmth and love I had heard so much about.  Even though some memories were gone you could still see how special she was.
After our marriage and first child Stella past away.  We made the four hour journey up north, to my husband's summer wonderland, to lay Stella to rest.
On our long journey back home my husband attempted to get a small radio station that he enjoys on his way to work in, hours from where we started our sad trip.  This stations antenna is probably the size of a toothpick, because we heard little music and a lot of fuzz. I told him to turn it, he refused.
  Then the music became clearer.  We listened to some small town news and farm reports and then they announced it was time for "Radio Bingo."
"Did you know this would be on?" I asked him.  He simply answered "No."
I cried.
Later on we found out the money Stella left my husband was enough to cover all our debt.  I still shiver when I recall this story. You will never convince me it was anything other then Stella's love, even after she was gone she knew how to take care of the ones she loved.
I don't believe in ghost but I do believe love never ends.  Love transcends time and space.
And even death.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Legacy

This past week my sister's father-in-law past away.  I only met him once, at my sister's wedding this past September.  My sadness was more for my sister and new brother-in-law.  I wept with my sister as she shared her stories and pain.  I cleaned up after her grief went into pots and pans and mixing bowls.
The one things that struck me during this time of grief was the support and love this family received.  The phone ran off the hook, people stopped them when they ventured out, the flower shop had to stop taking orders, the owner was so overwhelmed, crowded parking lots at the funeral home and tears to fill wells.
Then today I saw this story from their local newspaper.  Not written by a family member, but a witness to this man's generosity.
I had to stop and think.  How many times have I shut myself out from an opportunity to help my fellow man?  How many times did I say no to someone in need?
If I died today what would my news article say?  Not even close to what the above story says - not even remotely close. 
What if I just did one nice thing everyday?
What if were to take on every task with a smile? 
What type of legacy would I leave? 
Maybe they won't write news articles after me. 
But maybe I would leave this world a little better.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

I Can Has Beastiality?

No words...
Because images (click link to see more pics) of dog giving a girl oral is going to make me buy clothes.
picture from SSense.com

I know it's art. I get it, it's provocative. But right now I feel like a fifty year old toothless man from the hicks, "What is that dog doing licking the girls crouch for? Whatever they are selling I ain't buying."
your thoughts?

Judgmental

Another Top 10 in 2010;
Being judgmental is a bad thing. I get it. I don't want to be judged, who does? I would be a fool if I said nobody judged me. I have been THAT mom in the store, totally exhausted, yelling at her kids to be quiet. I have been THAT person to give THAT mom, whose is yelling at her kids to be quiet, a dirty look. Judging and being judged is not a good thing. But it happens. I am guilty.
I have given a lot of thought to who and what I judge, and these are just a few....

1. Beauty Queen parents. I watch those shows, the ones where the kids are tanned, made up to look like young hookers. The mothers are unstable. The girls will one day grow-up to be teen-age mothers. I sit and watch that half hour of crap to make me feel better about my parenting skills, because no WAY is my daughter shaking her ass for women who wear too much mascara and men who are pervs.
I have seen all this shit first hand. My sister was Miss Wisconsin American Teen. This pageant was not a glitz pageant. Little girls were told to look natural, limited stage make-up. I think they didn't allow mascara for girls younger then 10. But this didn't stop some psycho moms from primping, prodding and yelling at their 5 year old to stand up straighter and "OH MY GOD YOU SAID THE WRONG WORD YOU'LL NEVER WIN ANYTHING!!"
That was my families last pageant. My sister went into a total goth phase, she painted her nails black and wore a felt skirt with mushrooms all over it and I am pretty sure she tried mushrooms. Her pageant crowns came in handy though, especially when the Hole album came out, so it wasn't a total loss.

2. People who wear pajamas outside in the middle of the day, in broad daylight, 1 pm in the Walmart parking lot. They usually have beer cans all over them, paired with a Tweety bird shirt, and slippers on their feet. Really? You couldn't put on a pair of jeans. Sweat pants without graphics? Real shoes. WTF is your deal? PUT ON REAL CLOTHES!

3. One thing I try to do before I leave the house with my kids is to make sure their clothes are clean. Shirt are void of red spaghetti sauce. Pants are free from shit stains. A clean child shall leave the house, a dirty one stays in.
Now granted I have pulled my child from the car and noticed the booger crusted nose or the Kool-aid stained lips, I do a quick spit wash and hope that another mom understands, because I understand. What I am talking about here is the kids who looked like they haven't bathed in a week. Please clean your children, or I will judge you.

4. Wearing your pants down to your knees so the world can see your drawers means I am locking all my doors. I can't imagine anyone, seeing a boy wearing this ensemble, not getting a little nervous about their safety.

5. People who litter. Really? You are going to throw that piece of paper on the ground? Did you not see the Indian that cried commercial? How fucking lazy are you?

6. People who are #product whores on Twitter and any other site. There are very few bloggers that I will read that have reviews and product giveaways, mostly because I trust them. Mostly because they don't sit around and talk about a chocolate bar like it is the next coming of Jesus. If all you can do is talk about toilet cleaner, I am totally going to judge your real life social skills.
Go here for a great post on this issue.

7. Creepy men who wear too much cologne. Who are you trying to impress? Not me.

8. Creepy men who look like child molesters. My sister works with them, and she says if it looks like a child molester. If he gives you that feeling. He probably is one.

9. People who wear braces/casts/bandages on their legs, arms. I will never engage a person who is wearing a some kind of medical looking thing on them because I think 99% of people wearing them are totally faking it.
Really? There are real people out there suffering, and you have to be an attention whore because you leg hurts a little bit. Get a life.

10.Me. I am horrible at judging myself. I have conversations with people and I spend the next two hours dissecting everything I said and did. I spend the first hour in bed going over what stupid things I said and did and wonder if anyone is judging me because of it.

Judging, it is a vicious cycle isn't it?

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Fear of Succeeding

I am use to failure. I embrace it. With failure you have no expectations. With failure you disappoint and people move on. Failure is a feeling that goes away when you move onto the next and the next. Short relationships thrive on failure. Low expectations live in failure. I have no fear of failure. I fear success.
I have been giving a lot of thought to why I quit "The Lil' Mommy" mostly because my sister called me out on it. I had a million excuses and that is what she called them.
"I didn't want to put my kids names and picture out there. And people expect them there."
"I was a slave to an inbox. 100's of request, Lil' Mommy wasn't mine it was indentured to the PR world."
"I want to write about me, one day my kids will grow up and I want to write for me."

What I should have said was "It showed success and that scared the shit out of me."
Little successes add up. People want more of you. They e-mail, write you. You get more attention. People's expectations are high. It was way too much for me.
I am not saying I was worldly popular, but I had made a solid name for myself. "Lil Mommy" was a brand in and of itself. People came and watched. They saw what I had to say and came back. I was a small success and that can not happen in my small world.
I am writing this and I know how ridiculous it sounds. I see it and I can't believe it. But this is the truth. This is my truth.
I have to recognize this. I HAVE TO. I am failing too much. I am failing at what matters most. I want to be a better me, but failure is holding me back.
I have to tell myself it is okay to do good. It is okay to be great. It is okay to be a success.
Now if I can only believe it.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Bad Morning

The thing about bad mornings is that they can turn into bad days, especially when you are the type of person that holds on to shit. It's hard to let go of shit. Especially when that shit makes you feel like the worse mother in the world.
I hate that I am a screamer. I am trying to change. When a child weighs on every last nerve. Takes what is left of the little patience I have left. The volcano mommy erupts. What ends up happening is he cries then I cry.
And in the end nothing gets accomplished.
Except I remind him NO matter what I love him. And he reminds me that he loves me.
Anyway I spare you the terrible details of a bad morning, if you are a mom, who had to get a kid off to school, I am sure you can relate.
I am pledging right now to make the day better. To let the bad morning go, to make today a good day.
How did your morning go?

Monday, January 4, 2010

Top 10 in 2010

I need a little help coming up with things to write and I figured "Top 10" lists are always a good place to start, and since it is 2010 it works out in a kitschy kind of way.
So I am not one to make a schedule so whenever I feel like it I will make up a new top 10 list and you can feel free to play along.
Top 10 Things I Love to Do.
1. I love to watch T.V. I LOVE LOVE T.V. I know it rots your brain. Of all the things that feed the brain, T.V. is the Twinkies brain food.
I will watch documentaries on PBS and smut reality on MTV. I don't have it on all day every day, but when it is on I enjoy it. I love it.

2. Spontaneous crafting. In a split second of creativity I can come up with the most genius kids craft, I go downstairs, rummage through my endless supply of craft supplies and come up with something so AWESOME. The pie tin turtle, the pirate map and paper bag puppet with 3D elements all came up in a split second. No real thought,. No precise planning. Just pure spontaneous fun.

3. Peeling oranges with my fingers. Growing up we had one of those fancy orange peelers, and I have seen people score a peel with a knife, but I love to dig my finger nails into an orange and just peel away. I love how the citrus oils leave a semi-permanent mark in my nail bed, a natural perfume. I love to bite my nails after I eat the meat of the orange and taste the bitter white skin.

4. Reading. I go in fits with reading. I could read 5 books in 5 days then not read a book for 6 months. I read blogs everyday. I love short stories and poetry, they get me through till my next book frenzy.

5.Blogging. I do love it, even though at times when I have nothing to write, which is the most frustrating thing ever. When I can get an emotional feeling down it is the best feeling in the world.

6. Cuddling. I am a giant snuggle bunny wrapped up in a cuddling teddy bear. I have a three year old who loves to be wrapped up like a baby and squeezed tight. I fear the day when my children won't want to be hugged, squeezed or cuddled, although I think Meg will always need a tight squeeze, she needs snuggles like she needs air. I pity the man who will marry my daughter, he will have to be a ready to share tight quarters.

7. I love spying on people. Not looking in their homes, but staring at their twitter stream or their Facebook page. Social media is a curious person's wet dream.

8.Browsing the book store. It is like my candy shop. I love looking at the picture books, the art books, the cook books. I could spend endless hours going through the stacks, browsing at their wares.

9. Eat. Anything and almost everything. I love crackers when anything on it. Cheese, spreads. My favorite meal is just making a bunch of snacky foods, cheese, artichoke dip, and eating them till I explode. I call it my Mermaids dinner.

10. Sleeping. When you don't get enough of it you celebrate every moment you do get it. I love that moment when you know you are about to go into deep slumber. The best.

Friday, January 1, 2010

Time-out

I was considering starting a fan page on Facebook called "I put my kid in time-out and then I forgot I put them there." Our house is in a perpetual state of time-out, a curious three year and the most head strong six year old means I am always sending someone to their room. I enjoy the silence too much, I make dinner, clean the toilets, do laundry, go on twitter and the minutes tick by quickly. Slowly the kids venture down to see if I forgot what caused me to calmly send them to bed.
Time-outs serve their mommy purpose, I get a few minutes to go back to one. The kids get a few minutes to think about what they did. I figure it's better then whopping them to a inch of their lives, or beating them till they look pretty, or just beatin' their ass, all which my dad affectionately told all seven of his children- which he hardly did, he was mostly bark and little bite.
Don't get me wrong I got it, he gave it out, but if he did it as much as he threatened I'd probably be writing this blog from a a strip club or prison, because lets face it nothing fucks up a girl more then a daddy issues
I digress.
Time-outs are here to stay. When the tempers rise I have my go-to-place for the kids. A few minutes to get over ourselves, to think about what really matters and most importantly a few minutes to come up with a better solution to the problem at hand.
Now I am going for my time-out, I just got a gift card to a local coffee house for Christmas- HEY a mommy need a time-out sometimes too.

5.6.2018

Life doesn't seem fair  and I am a witness. "I don't believe in God" she says And I have nothing to refute it. I see...