Fear of Succeeding

I am use to failure. I embrace it. With failure you have no expectations. With failure you disappoint and people move on. Failure is a feeling that goes away when you move onto the next and the next. Short relationships thrive on failure. Low expectations live in failure. I have no fear of failure. I fear success.
I have been giving a lot of thought to why I quit "The Lil' Mommy" mostly because my sister called me out on it. I had a million excuses and that is what she called them.
"I didn't want to put my kids names and picture out there. And people expect them there."
"I was a slave to an inbox. 100's of request, Lil' Mommy wasn't mine it was indentured to the PR world."
"I want to write about me, one day my kids will grow up and I want to write for me."

What I should have said was "It showed success and that scared the shit out of me."
Little successes add up. People want more of you. They e-mail, write you. You get more attention. People's expectations are high. It was way too much for me.
I am not saying I was worldly popular, but I had made a solid name for myself. "Lil Mommy" was a brand in and of itself. People came and watched. They saw what I had to say and came back. I was a small success and that can not happen in my small world.
I am writing this and I know how ridiculous it sounds. I see it and I can't believe it. But this is the truth. This is my truth.
I have to recognize this. I HAVE TO. I am failing too much. I am failing at what matters most. I want to be a better me, but failure is holding me back.
I have to tell myself it is okay to do good. It is okay to be great. It is okay to be a success.
Now if I can only believe it.

Comments

  1. Success scares the crap out of me too. It's hard when you want to succeed, but the idea of actually doing it makes you sabotage yourself. (((HUGS))) It's OK to be successful!

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