If I start my post with "I have nothing to write about" I will end up with the longest post ever. What is that called, ironic? fate? whatever? I really have been struggling to put my thoughts on paper, or computer screen. I lack any energy, sometimes the idea of taking a shower is equivalent to running a marathon, and I don't do running. Maybe it's the holiday? Maybe this shit is getting old. Maybe I need a new hobby. What do they call stamp collectors?
What has really happened is the earth is tilted in just a way to make my days suckage. I have no tolerance for people, ignorant people. I have little patience for anything. My heart races when anything, ANYTHING does not go my way.
One more then occasion this week I dreamed of stripping my clothes and laying in the cold snow. The idea of my blood thinking and everything inside of me slowing down is almost orgasmic. I want to feel my body slow down. I want to feel the shiver. I want to feel numb. I know the feeling of being numb, I just want that numbness to mean something.
Today. tomorrow. today.
Wow have I been THERE. Hell, I still GET to that place every now and again. Of course, the fact that I have bipolar disorder may have something to do with it..for ME, anyway. What you described sure sounds like my bouts with depression. UGH. The thing to remember is...those shitty feelings...won't last forever. And I do think aging affects us emotionally and not just physically. The feeling tired both physically AND emotionally...makes sense.
ReplyDeleteJust hang in there. I wish I could say something more joyous and "holiday cheerful." Sometimes the holidays add to all of the stress and depression too. But you'll conquer it and come out of it better for the wear. :)
I would email chocolate if I could...
e-Hugs,
Lori
a.k.a. kcgirlgeek
THANK YOU! thank you. I know getting out of my hole this week will help calm some of the sadness. Sometimes I can only stand so much time in this lil cave I made for myself.
ReplyDeleteChocolate always helps. That and wine.