endless winter

There is this place between February and March that feels endless. 
These weeks before the snow melts; that feels like Spring will never come.
Because as the sun rids the snow on the ground so too this feeling of depression.  
But in this moment, right now, it feels like it will never come.  
I so desperately want to wake with the sun. 
I want to  step outside without all the layers.  
I want to feel free of the cold.  
The achy hands and feet.  
The bone chill that never leaves. 
I want that feeling of rebirth only the Spring can bring.    

carry on.

I can speak out of turn.  Or do something wrong.  I am human after all.  It's what humans do.  They make mistakes.
I wish that logic could be that simple for my mind to grasp.  But anxiety usually takes over.  Always takes over.
I ruminate.  Stew. Question my intentions.  What at that exact moment of indiscretion I was thinking, doing. Always a question of why.  I beat myself up.  Wonder when and if I will suffer forever for what I have done. Over and over I go over myself.   An endless cycle.
I think that sometimes it would great to be JUST human.  To be like those who can brush it off.  Go about your day.  Learn from mistakes and carry on.
Carry on.

snow day

Not really snow days.  More cold days.  The idea that it is so cold they are shutting you into your home.  Too cold to go from house to car to building to car and back into house.  Frostbite occurs in less than thirty minutes.  
One minute in you feel fine.   
Two there is a heaviness in your chest.
Three you find it hard to catch your breath. 
The liquid cold invades your lungs.
Four minutes out you regulate.
Five your hands start to ache.
Every part covered and otherwise feels the bitter frost.

Being shut in can be hard with two kids.  But not with two older kids.  Because they know their own things. They don't want to do what mom wants to do.  These things are 'BORING!'  And 'NO FUN!' 
I am lost and bereft not having to coddle two children locked indoors.  I don't have to search for crafts or make magic tricks; tap dance to entertain.  They do it all themselves.  I am not a mother of the needed and discontent.  I am a mother of the independent and content.
So I force the issue.  I make them read and play games with me.  Make them watch a movie with me or talk. 

Soon the barometer will change and life will go back to the way it was.  And we will again wish for the chance to be this content again.   

the beauty in movement

For the past months I have worked with and taught children with autism.  I have learned so much.

Beauty in Movement

I find that as I get older I have a harder time with movement.  

Beyond the regular walking, driving,

I find my stomach quease, 

my head ache, 

vertigo takes over, 

and my heart  races.  

I have to close my eyes and remember to breathe.

It can take minutes, hours, days till I feel myself again.  

Centered..

What once brought joy, 

the swing,  

a roller coaster,

the top looking down onto the world below,  

now seems to set me on edge. 

I find myself wishing to have my feet firmly on the ground.  

The only way to be centered is to feel something solid beneath me.  

I work with children with autism. 

It seems the opposite applies to them.  

That being on solid ground makes them quease, 

causes their head to ache.  

Movement quick and sure is great relief.  

On the ground they are fast.  

Their arms appear to move without control.  

A run becomes a skip,

a gallop

then slows to a walk,

back to a run 

and a sudden erupt stop.   

Swinging becomes a stillness. 

The pump of the legs, 

and forward momentum brings a clarity to them.  

Their eyes focus and look at you.  

You see a sudden center

and in that quick moment of movement you see into a soul. 

A beautiful soul.  

Movement is a precious thing.  

Stillness can be overrated.

A mother and a daughter.
A sister and a friend.
And all those come together.


What if one of those pieces fell away?
A sister  not a daughter.
A mother not a friend.

I am all those things.
When I wish not to be
there is no surrogate.

Together the same and all different.
Always they will make up the moments of me.

balance

I don't quite have this working/mom thing down quite yet.  I missed all the fun stuff like adequate pumping and late night feeding intermixed with early morning meetings.  I am lucky that way.  But there is still a balance that I am missing.  My job allows me to be with the kids without in between time.  No need to find child care or sitters.  I am too blessed to complain.  I still will.
I want to write and tell you all about my new job, but there is a need for privacy with the kids I work with. What I say and how I say it has to be carefully worded.  I don't know how to say it in the right way.
Most of my day consists of encouraging handshakes instead of hugs.  Figuring out a way to adapt seventh grade science classes to suit a social obligation and an academic need.  Pin-pointing the causes, direct and otherwise, of severe aggression.
My day is beyond active and it stretches me to my limits.  I have to be flexible and ready to change on a dime.  Then come home and plan a dinner and help with homework.  Mom's do it everyday.  I still haven't gotten it quite right yet.
Somehow, someway it will all come together.  I will figure out a way to come home and leave it all at the door.  I will come back to the writing I so love and desperately need.  It is all an act of balance.

social anxiety in my form

It is hard sometimes to have the emotional maturity of a fourteen year old.  I find myself burying myself in on myself.  All the fears and insecurities become a burden.  It piles on; one fear on top of another.  I can be funny all the time and when necessary, people laugh and inside I cry because I really want to be that happy.

A look can play games with my emotions.  A feeling that I said and did the wrong thing.  I start to talk and the words fall in on them self and I am left on the cliff edge trying to decide if I go forward and risk falling free or back-up and shut-up.

If I don't say anything I risk imploding.  If I come here and let it out, I can somehow go on and feel somewhat 'normal'.  
My wish this moment is to have thick skin.

making other plans

So the plan: School starts. Take a day or two or five to chill-ax.  Start subbing full-time.  Get teacher/staff recommendations.  Hopefully start working full-time after the New Year.

What happened: Last week of summer.  A call to start subbing right away for a week or two.  Started subbing the first day of school.  Requested to fill the position I was subbing for.  Interviewed.  Got the Job.

It happened so fast.  Unexpected and so amazing.  I wake up, get dressed, send my kids off to school and I go to work.  
I work with children who need help the most.  I am part of an amazing team.  I am working hard and at the end of the day my bones are tired but my soul feels so good!

Life had me there for awhile.  The stress and anxiety of not knowing what would come next.  I forgot that life is what happens....

give

Long ago I decided to give blood.
I was young and trying to get out of math class.
I sat in the chair
they found my vein.
I sat as the blood slowly trickled out of me.
Slowly.
Oh so slowly.
People next to me came, donated and left.
Rinse and repeat.
The nurse checked on me often.
Told me I was slow to bleed.
Laughed and left.
The term is 'Give til it hurts"
and I did.

Whole

I can't even read this story.  It's the fear.
 When someone you know is going through the same changes and this happens you feel this heaviness.
 In your heart
and in your mind
and in your soul.
There is so much change.
 All your thoughts of  who they were
and who they are
and what they were to be
is different.
 But still the same.
  It's this inner battle,
a conflict of your heart.
Because no matter how they dress.
Or who they define this self as.
They are mostly and above all a person you love
with your whole heart.
and your whole soul.
and your whole self. 
You love them whole.

lie

Life's funny.  Not ha!ha! funny....okay it's ha!ha! funny.

The 'f' key on my keyboard doesn't work.  If I push the 'f' key lightly it looks like this: ''.  When I push it hard it looks like this 'f'.  'm' too.  It akes lie hard..  Makes life hard.