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Showing posts from November, 2012

have

Have you ever said something simple and suddenly have this awareness.  That moment, what you just said.  Those words were right.  Are right.  How you feel and felt.  What you know.

'You do it because you can' she said.
'No, I can't do it.  I do it because I have to.'

Everyday I doubt.  Question.  Wonder.
'Am I doing right?'
'What if I screw it up?'

What.  If.  Can't.
Never won't.
Always Have.

Washing the doubt off.  A cleansing of my soul.

Because even if I can't.  I have to.


Ridiculously satisfying and comforting is peeling the seeds from a pomegranate fruit.  There is no real neat way to do this task: you pierce the skin with a knife, pull apart the flesh and pull the seeds out.  Juices flow out to the cutting board and stain your hands.  It is perfection.

The doctor is trying to get me to do these 4-7-8 breathing exercises and I can't seem to get 'it'.  I can't pull air into my lungs through my nose for 4 seconds.  Holding my breath for 7 seconds is near impossible.  And 'wooshing' the air out of my lungs takes 3 seconds not the required 8.  I do all the steps 3 or 4 times and my heart feels like it is being used as a pin cushion/voodoo doll.  I must not be doing it right.  Or I am doing it right and my body hates me enough not to relax.
Maybe it's just the idea of sitting still and breathing.  Not that I don't do it everyday.  I sit.  I breathe.  I even sit and breathe at the same time.  Why is this one minute exercise …

Support.

Been a long time old friend.  I have a new part time job.  That is why I have been neglectful here.
  I waited patiently for the perfect job to come along.  Allowing me to be home when the kids are home.  I work while they work.  Perfection.
Substitute support staff with our area school district.   On days I work I wake up hoping and praying there is a job.  I keep hitting the refresh button until a job pops up.  I am not picky.  I'll take anything.  I will work with easy kids and hard kids.  I can handle checking out books at the library.  I make a kick ass spread sheet. 
Teachers get a lot of credit, as they should.  But this job makes me realize how much more there is to a school.
The aides work one on one with that 'difficult' kid so the teacher can teach the class. They give that extra push to help those who need it.
Playground helpers keep the peace while still allowing kids to be kids.
The librarians encourage a love of reading.  They pick that perfect book for the…