Friday, September 28, 2012

ride the cycle

It's been a rough week or two filled with not so fun things.  Involving calls to the doctor and waiting for the doctor to call back.  Then calling the doctor back and waiting for them to call back.  And emailing the doctor, which I love to email the doctor, so much easier and to the point.  Not that I have a thing against voicing my problems over the phone for someone to hear it's just that I have a thing against voicing my problems over the phone for someone to hear.

It begins like this: A small worry.
 I worry about it.
Another thing to worry about.
I sit in worry.
And more to worry about.
My breath catches.
I chest hurts a little.
Right in the middle.
Is that normal?
Is this about that other thing?
I worry.
My head hurts.
And what was that thing I was
first worried about?
I worry about it.
And I panic.
And nothing looks the same.

And it continues.  Round and round and round and round and round.  I call it cycling, I read it in a book. It makes total sense; it just keeps going round and round and round. And when the cycle stops it is me feeling sick and tired and hurt.  
It seems so silly when I write it.  It's not so silly when you are living it.
Usually I can pull my self out of a cycle.  Usually. 
And the other day I was sitting and relaxing and I went from nothing to panic in a second and it scared the shit out of me.
The next day I called the doctor.
Because the control is gone. And it's a hard thing to except.
Hello I am Susan and I have general anxiety disorder.

Friday, September 21, 2012


Them they hurt
They ache in pain
What once had
Given ultimate love
Brings small pain
To my whole self
And her small heart
I cried for them
I cried for her
She cried for them
She cried for me
We laid I gave
A whole new love
She laid on me
And accepted
The pain will pass
Our love will grow
But I will mourn
Mourn that them
Are only mine

Monday, September 17, 2012

all the small things

It's important that when you are in the throes of an anxiety attack that you focus on all the little things that are wrong in your life.  Because when you have a million things to focus on the one big thing gets ignored.  And you can pretend that one big thing doesn't exist because it's too big and there are these other small things that are wrong.  How can one thing be more important than a million things?

 I am an expert at this so I have to be right.  Right?

It is not easy to say I am in the midst of an anxiety attack.  Because this isn't like I sit nervous for a couple of hours then I can go about my day like nothing happened.  No, this is months and months of heaviness and tears and chills and fear and muscle aches and tight jaw pain and head aches right by my eyes, up the forehead, top of the head, around the ears, down to the neck, across the shoulders, down my back.

Breathing into a paper bag won't take this away.  Somethings I wish it would.  It's more than just this sudden on-set of fear.  It's a slow building, ebbing and flowing type pain.  It might go away.  And it might come back.  It always strikes when I least expect it and when I most expect it.  It comes and I am ready.  It comes and I am not ready. 
Always it comes.

Thursday, September 13, 2012


It's this feeling of being all in my head.  And I just want to take the skin, right at my hair line, and peel it back and open to see what all the noise is.  I vision channels and tubes all different colors.  The red connects to the orange.  And the blue flows to purple.  They all flow to the green that gives the output to my mouth and my ears and my hands and feet and eyes.
 I can see the red tube pinched and that stops the orange from flowing.  And the blue runs so fast the purple can't keep up.  And the green runs and spurts and stops and goes and runs and flows.  Overflowing.  Out my arms but not my legs.  My ears hear but my mouth can't speak the words it wants to say.  And my eyes see everything and nothing all at the same time.
And in here I feel it all.
Last night I sat outside on the deck, the wind blowing at my back and I wanted so much for the breeze to take me with it.  I closed my eyes and my hair moved  in my eyes and I felt peace.  How wonderful it would feel to fly and move and be weightless all at the same time.
And as I write this I don't want you to feel sorry.  Because that's the worst.
Because this is how people feel sometimes.  This is how I feel sometimes.  And I need to put it out there.  No matter how hard it is for me to say.  And feel.  And it's okay to feel this way.  It's not wrong.  It just is.  And I have to work with it and for it and against it.  Soon it will go away and I will feel one and the red will flow to the orange.  The blue will slow so the purple can keep up.  And they will all flow to the green.  And my arms will work with my legs.  And my ears will hear and my mouth will say what it needs to.  And my eyes will take it in and I will feel.  Normal.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012


*The thing about sharing any anniversary with a national tragedy is that you can't wish your significant other a "Happy Anniversary" out in public without feeling like a total asshole.
I tell that joke every year somewhere.
This year I say it on my blog.
It never gets old.
Maybe because I only tell it once a year.
"Happy Anniversary joke!"

Happy Anniversary to my hubby too.

*and because this song works for two of the three.
'I pray you'll be our eyes, and watch us where we go, and help us to be wise in times when we don't know.'

Monday, September 10, 2012


*i hate how little you think of me.
What's worse?
i hate how little i think of myself.

Sunday, September 9, 2012

Chin on cheek.
Kiss on shoulder.
Arms tucked in tight.
Legs intertwined.
Let's remember
to stay this way

Saturday, September 8, 2012

shake it shake it baby

*I laid in bed this morning and for a second I wondered what it would be like to not leave there.  Because I read about it all the time.  People who lay still for minutes, hours.  Days.  The urge is always so strong.  To think that my need to be still is more important than all the others.  And the needs of the people around me.  What would I say and do if they came to me wanting?  Would I be able to deny them?  Would they understand that I couldn't?  That somehow they had to go on without me for a few minutes?  Hours?  Days?
And I get up because being still is not an option.

*It's election year.  And this is how I feel.  About all of it.


Yesterday was long but I made sure I did one me thing.  I'm trying it more.  Making it so I do one thing I want to do, not have to do or...