It's this feeling of being all in my head. And I just want to take the skin, right at my hair line, and peel it back and open to see what all the noise is. I vision channels and tubes all different colors. The red connects to the orange. And the blue flows to purple. They all flow to the green that gives the output to my mouth and my ears and my hands and feet and eyes.
I can see the red tube pinched and that stops the orange from flowing. And the blue runs so fast the purple can't keep up. And the green runs and spurts and stops and goes and runs and flows. Overflowing. Out my arms but not my legs. My ears hear but my mouth can't speak the words it wants to say. And my eyes see everything and nothing all at the same time.
And in here I feel it all.
Last night I sat outside on the deck, the wind blowing at my back and I wanted so much for the breeze to take me with it. I closed my eyes and my hair moved in my eyes and I felt peace. How wonderful it would feel to fly and move and be weightless all at the same time.
And as I write this I don't want you to feel sorry. Because that's the worst.
Because this is how people feel sometimes. This is how I feel sometimes. And I need to put it out there. No matter how hard it is for me to say. And feel. And it's okay to feel this way. It's not wrong. It just is. And I have to work with it and for it and against it. Soon it will go away and I will feel one and the red will flow to the orange. The blue will slow so the purple can keep up. And they will all flow to the green. And my arms will work with my legs. And my ears will hear and my mouth will say what it needs to. And my eyes will take it in and I will feel. Normal.