all the small things

It's important that when you are in the throes of an anxiety attack that you focus on all the little things that are wrong in your life.  Because when you have a million things to focus on the one big thing gets ignored.  And you can pretend that one big thing doesn't exist because it's too big and there are these other small things that are wrong.  How can one thing be more important than a million things?

 I am an expert at this so I have to be right.  Right?

It is not easy to say I am in the midst of an anxiety attack.  Because this isn't like I sit nervous for a couple of hours then I can go about my day like nothing happened.  No, this is months and months of heaviness and tears and chills and fear and muscle aches and tight jaw pain and head aches right by my eyes, up the forehead, top of the head, around the ears, down to the neck, across the shoulders, down my back.

Breathing into a paper bag won't take this away.  Somethings I wish it would.  It's more than just this sudden on-set of fear.  It's a slow building, ebbing and flowing type pain.  It might go away.  And it might come back.  It always strikes when I least expect it and when I most expect it.  It comes and I am ready.  It comes and I am not ready. 
Always it comes.

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