Friday, September 28, 2012

ride the cycle

It's been a rough week or two filled with not so fun things.  Involving calls to the doctor and waiting for the doctor to call back.  Then calling the doctor back and waiting for them to call back.  And emailing the doctor, which I love to email the doctor, so much easier and to the point.  Not that I have a thing against voicing my problems over the phone for someone to hear it's just that I have a thing against voicing my problems over the phone for someone to hear.

It begins like this: A small worry.
 I worry about it.
Another thing to worry about.
I sit in worry.
And more to worry about.
My breath catches.
I chest hurts a little.
Right in the middle.
Is that normal?
Is this about that other thing?
I worry.
My head hurts.
And what was that thing I was
first worried about?
I worry about it.
And I panic.
And nothing looks the same.

And it continues.  Round and round and round and round and round.  I call it cycling, I read it in a book. It makes total sense; it just keeps going round and round and round. And when the cycle stops it is me feeling sick and tired and hurt.  
It seems so silly when I write it.  It's not so silly when you are living it.
Usually I can pull my self out of a cycle.  Usually. 
And the other day I was sitting and relaxing and I went from nothing to panic in a second and it scared the shit out of me.
The next day I called the doctor.
Because the control is gone. And it's a hard thing to except.
Hello I am Susan and I have general anxiety disorder.

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