Today, just a few short minutes ago, I was driving home after dropping off the kids at school and all of a sudden I had that urge to keep driving. I have the urge once in a blue moon. And I know others have had it, because they have told me so. It is a choice that stays in my mind for a split second. In a beat of a butterfly's wing I am back on course, pulling into my driveway, going into my home, hanging up my coat in the front hall closet and cleaning the breakfast dishes.
And I know I made the right choice for me and my family but all day the guilt hits me. Because I even thought for a moment that I could leave this. My family. My home. I have an overwhelming need to cry because I realize all the things I thought I were 'over' are not over at all. That all those times I told myself to be strong for. And hold on for. And that were okay were not okay. And that maybe crying is the best idea because you are sad for the way things are. And the way things aren't. And for the way things should be and for the way things have turned up.
And mostly it's okay to let go. And it's okay to be sad. And every once in awhile it's okay to let yourself be weak.