I have been thinking a lot about anxiety, mostly because I suffer with it. I make jokes about it, a lot. I joke because it helps me cope.
I tried the whole medicine thing and it didn't work. I've heard medicine doesn't work for a lot of people. It makes it worse. Which is weird. Because everyone and every commercial makes you believe it will work, then your reality hits you and you realize you won't be that reality you see on T.V. You won't be that woman who one second was looking sad on the couch to happily buying flowers at the market the next. Your reality finds you on the couch. Always and forever. Or you think it will be always and forever. Because that is how it feels.
I'd love to explain what my anxiety feels like but I can't. It's a whole lot of feeling. It's a rush to the head and a tightening in the chest. It effects the whole body. And I take my hands and rub my face. I start at my forehead with the tips of my fingers and rub hard to the top of my hairline to the bottom of my chin. And back up again and around till I reach the top of my head. And part of me want to rub the skin off and see what it looks like underneath. I want to see what my brain is doing. I want to know what part of me is making me feel the way I feel. The not knowing makes it worse.
And now that the anxiety is bad enough it effect other parts of me. I grind my teeth and clench my jaw causing TMJ. And the blood vessels in my hands constrict and reopen to fast and my hands turn red and white and blue and they ache. And I ache all over.
The thoughts are the worst of it. Because they never end. Sometimes I sit in my room with the music way up just to make them stop. I put the bass up and let the vibration massage the tightness in my chest. Let something loud distract me from the thoughts that make it hard to breathe and concentrate and be. Me.
And to know that anxiety is not just mine. Because my family feels it everyday. In my silence.. And the verbal snaps. And in my tears. And I want it to stop. So bad. And I know there is no easy answer. I will not wake up one day and feel like that girl in the commercial. And so bad I want to buy flowers at the market and have it be just what it is.