Thursday, October 7, 2010

Hey, How's Your Bowels Today?

I have IBS.  It is a little known fact about myself.  Of course I don't like to talk about my bowels much, who does?  It is not a topic that comes up in every day conversation.  "Hey how's your bowels today?"   "Did you take a nice crap today?"  "Why no, I didn't, I have IBS so taking a crap is actually a pain in the ass, literally and figuratively!" 
My IBS is part self-diagnosed and part clinically diagnosed.  After months of pooping in a cup and smearing my shit on a card to no avail, I stopped short of them sticking things up my anus for a 100% diagnosis.  There is only so much shit a girl can take.  Literal and Figural. 
This started out about 11 years ago after a case of adult acne and a round of the drug Accutane.  You know those commercials you see on T.V.?  They aren't just lip service, it is real issue.  It's kind of scary that a drug can rip your stomach apart for the rest of your life just to repair a vanity issue.
Okay, it wasn't just a vanity issue, nodular acne is painful.  I am serious it was painful.  And when you are a new bride and your face looks like the surface of the moon on crack it breaks you a little inside.  After rounds of creams and oral medicine,  Accutane was a last hope.
Apart from the fact that I had to be on birth control to prevent having alien baby, and not being able to go outside all summer it went well.  I had no acne.  I felt good.
Then a short while later, after being off the drug, I would eat something and spend a night in bed doubled over in pain.  I was constipated all the time.  And a serious case of hemorrhoids that even Raymond couldn't fix.
I found myself in the doctors office.  I was sent home a lot.  I remember once asking the doctor if taking Accutane did this to me.  I was told "NO!"  Then one day reading some forgotten-titled magazine I read a story about Accutane and IBS.
"Thank you anyway I don't want a tube up my butt, I have my answer!"  It was a relieve to say the least.  I had my answer and I could live with it.
My IBS doesn't bother my everyday.  It flares.  It comes and goes, depending on stress or if I pig out on copious amounts of cheese and fried foods.  Time has slowly healed me.  Or I just know how to control the symptoms better.  I spend less time in the fetal position and more time enjoying life.
And it is a lesson learned.  I am more careful of what goes in my body.  I thank God for Google and Web MD.  I look at side effects and long term effect of drugs and decide if it is worth it.
IBS ain't got shit on me.  Literally.  Figuratively.

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