My friend posted this video on Facebook:
How relevant to my state of existence right now. I listened to these words and then listened again and again. I cried. So much of what he said was the answer to a previous post I wrote a few short days ago.
Daniel Beaty sings:
"And for years he has never said a word.
And so twenty-five years later, I write these words
for the little boy in me who still awaits his papa's knock"
It is funny how all your emotions can keep you from saying what you really want to say. Those above lyrics are what I have been feeling for years. Seeing his words written down made me realize that there is a little girl in me, waiting for that attention I never got, the attention I need.
Then Daniel said this and I became that girl. I lost all sense of adultness. It was like I had the answer I was looking for.
"Yes, we are our fathers' sons and daughters,
But we are not their choices."
Is denying that she is my mother and I am her daughter the best way? I can not deny that she gave birth to me, took some part of raising me. Had a role in how I am today. I am her daughter. She is my mother. But I am NOT her choices.
My love for my children is different. I feel it is different.
I do have that seed of doubt. It is planted by the life I have had. And like all seeds if you tend to it, water it, feed it, it will grow. If I allow that doubt to grow deep in me I will be my mother's choices.
Denying what was will not allow me to move forward. I will be stuck in a past I don't want to repeat.
Allowing myself to give into the totally love that I have for my family will allow me to plant a different kind of seed in my children. Seeds of love. Seeds of caring. Seeds of undying passion.
I believe that I am my mother's daughter. There is a tie there that can not be denied, and to do so allows me to stand still, it nurtures that seed of doubt. Instead I must realize I am not her choices. That I can not control how she acts and feels towards me, I can only control how I act and feel towards my own children.
More importantly how I act and feel towards myself.