12.29.21

How I wish I had something good to report 

But she is gone

And I am sad. 

That is all that needs to be said.

12.5

 

My earth sign is fire.

I often wonder if I should put stock

In the idea of signs and stars

And how the planets align

But when I come to the water

My body calms

I can breathe 

Water soothes

These moments I believe

The opposites of earth 

Bring peace to our souls.

11.27

 Holding on to the good

Even if moments bring us down

Fortunate to be in a good place 

And trying to hold up those

Who aren't so lucky.

11.23

 Challenges

I keep singing that song tonight.

They are good.

It's a shot at putting the past behind

Starting fresh

Letting go of hurts

And becoming something

You always wanted to become.

11-22

 The waiting is the hardest part

The not knowing

The fear of rejection

Jumping into something new

Letting go

And being vulnerable 

Trying to let go

Of the worry

11.2

 

There is a little bit more confidence in where I stand

A pride.

But a fear

That this too can be fleeting

Not so confident after all.

I took a walk and felt relief. Breathing in the last of a season that had so many ups and downs. There is a solid ground.  I pray to keep this balance.

10.22

 

I wake before the sun

And sleep after the first star awakens

This is where I want to be

Amongst the frost

The barren trees

Life is on pause

But it still goes on.

10.18

 

These full circle moments lend themselves to me.

I am the witness and the executor.

All the battles, the tears, the losses.

We have come to the other side.

We break bread at a table and share his memory.

We absorb the music on the floor of her room.

We enjoy our company and share dreams.

Oh if I could stay in this space forever.

This full circle will surround me 

And make me whole again.

10.17

I find myself here from time to time

The stillness surronds 

and there is a quiet

To see who once was a

Son of

Daughter of

Husband of

Wife of.

Some stones glisten, a sign of care and newness

Then the stones that can't be read

Stone wore smooth from the wind and rain

but ultimitaly a consequnece of the time.

All of it a consequence of time.

A guilt can wash over

No one here belongs to me

And I belong to no one.

but somehow I believe

that just a whisper of a name

somehow gives life again.

 

10.13

 I was wondering when it will all come to pass

There is a lesson in this

Or maybe two or three

And once I think I understand

I doubt myself

It easier to joke and make fun of

The fate life has thrown. 

Acceptance seems like a bargain

I am not willing to accept.

10.12

 If there is a good day 

With nothing to write about 

I am placated by normalcy 

And feel this feeling is nothing 

To write home about .

Or hear about. 

Maybe tomorrow's drama

Will lend itself to an insight

I so desperately need

Or a realization that

Maybe I am right where I am 

Suppose to be.

10.10

 I had hoped there was beauty

In taking care of those who took care of you

Mostly it is just heart-crushing pain

Because no matter how hard you press for dignity

The veil slips

And you are reminded 

Of the pain that is yet to come.

10.8

 

I find I never regret this journey

Because even on the

coldest

wettest 

dreariest

Of days

When the body is dry

And the blood is warm

I am so thankful for the hike.

10/5

 This could be just an exercise 

Or an exorcism.

A chance to rid the demons

That  plagued away my days

Or it's like a ride on a bike

Something you never seem to lose

Always the first time on

A little stumble happens

But somehow the ability is there. 

Or maybe it's both.

A trial in finding my way

Back to a person I wanted to be

And not the devil I have come to be.

10/2

 I went back and looked

at all the things I have written

there was a desire to delete

the things I was not proud of

or questioned my intent

or felt embarassed of

but that is where I was at

in that moment in time

and I had to let it go

There was a few

where I could not rememeber 

the anger or the hurt

that I had felt that exact time

And today I had a reminder

that the hurt goes away

and becomes a distant memory

that I am living today

I have to remind myself always

that this too shall past.

9/30

 A month's end couldn't come sooner.  A lot of beaten down and beaten up situations.  September ate me up and spit me up.  Here is hoping October is a bit more gentler.

9/26

 I tend to write cryptic

Like I am afraid 

That the truth will hurt

Or maybe saying a little

Is saying enough

I tend to hold onto things 

For way too long

The cycle of doubt

I dream in circles

9/24

 That feeling you get when you're the fifth wheel.  The four sit side by side and across.  And to one side is you.   Part of a side but not the whole.  You shout to be heard but the conversation has changed.  

9/22

  Today I made a vow to shift what I am proud of.  Before I worked hard to be proud of being a good mom, worker, wife.  That pride in a way is dependent on others, it is dependent on how other's view the work I do.  If they are happy I am happy. 

For the most part those prides have been met. But suddenly but really slowly I find that what once brought me pride is now evaporating.  The kids are older and their needs are less.  I find myself relying on myself for the comfort I need.  Work has not been the same boat I sailed on nine year ago.  You learn quickly that you can't rely on others for your own happiness, you have to find it within yourself.

So what made me happy?  At one time this.  This space.  And maybe at one time my words mattered to someone.  Mostly they mattered to me.  And that is the magic I need to recapture.  I need to shift what makes me feel proud.

Day 13: Work

Writing from Course Work: Race and Cultural Diversity in American Life and History

by University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign

In simplest terms I define myself as White and Woman.  Going beyond that I can say I don’t know much else.  Not because I didn’t want to know but because of what I was told.  If I asked my father it was a mix of Dutch, English, Scottish and American Indian.  When my sister tanned after a summer in the pool my dad informed us that we were also ‘Black.’ I knew this as a joke and can admit I laughed at the joke, even though I know it hurt my sister immensely.  Not because she was sad to be Black, but sad knowing how my father felt about Black.  My father further joked that it was quite possible as our roots can be traced as being white slave owners in Tennessee; and trips down south where to solidify that.  The family can be traced back to the Revolutionary War in the footholds of the Virginia Mountains.  There is no claim to a specific country, only the country we live in today.  Today I can say I am: White, Woman, Cis, Straight, American, Teacher.

One of the cultural groups I identify with is Woman. This group is the strongest for me and I feel as a whole I have the most support.  I see me in the role in every aspect, as mother, sister, daughter.  In the family most of the older generation are divorced mothers who took on the role of single mom.  The 80’s divorce culture did not favor the man, my dad utilized multiple organizations set up for men to gain custody of their children.  By the time the 90's came, and my father gained custody I was shown the ways by a young step-mother.  As a girl I was taught to not only care for family but to work and support family.  I can say that my perceptions of motherhood were not quite as utopic as June Cleaver nor as horrendous as Roseanne Barr. 

Not being able to claim a Motherland has never really bothered me too much.  I was just American.  We celebrated the holidays of a Christian Faith, marched as Americans in parades and worshiped the ‘One True God.’  Once I lived with my Step-mother more culture came into play.  Her family embraced their Polish and French roots.  I imagined I was Polish as I tasted pierogies and sausage.  Although I won’t admit to it when ‘Dumb Polish’ jokes were told.  I think I only yearned for the best parts of the cultures that I wanted to identify with. Today I cook no special dishes or prepare special feast days.  Ultimately I am defined by the ‘Red, White and Blue.’

Being a White Woman Teacher has been my biggest struggle.  The state I live in, Wisconsin, has the worst achievement gaps in the nation, specifically as it related to the graduation of Students of Color in the nation.  This is eye-opening to me and made me seek out a re-education of how I work with Students of Color.  I am interested in diving into the topic of modern day school segregation that is part of this course. Just glancing at the GAO report we see that the gap just doesn't lie in education but in levels of poverty for Students of Color. I am also interested in gaining insight from others regarding the doll experiment and the change in behavior in children when the experiment was first performed and now.

I will say this definition of how I define myself as American leads me here.  Over the past few years I have been disappointed in myself and my culture.  Working in the school district I have seen my role as being part of the problem and not the solution.  I struggle with interacting with those, adult and child, that have a defined culture that goes beyond White America.  I really had noticed this culture of White, Woman, Cis, Straight, American is a privilege I have gained the benefits of.