It hit me today, a flip of the calendar page, a rise in my belly, the cannon through the heart and the start of a month long panic. It is November, the month the symbolizes a family parted. Brothers not talking to sisters. And a sister crushed by a mother. And a son forever disabling a mother and a family.
29 days I have to get to that day. That day the phone rang, my sister beyond the point of existent, it was like her world stopped. No, her world stopped. Off axis thrown into an unknown universe. When I heard her tears I thought I knew the answer, but of course I was wrong.
If you think there is nothing worse then a death of a child, I might have one for you.
What if your child does something beyond what you thought was possible for a human to do? So horrific in it's nature that you wonder if he born of your womb? That second you think that does that child cease, does he become a new child? Or is he always yours, is he the same boy you cradled? Is he the one you fed and clothed and watched go from fetal to walking in 365 days? Does 10 minutes change that?
I so want to ask my sister all these questions. What she feels for her son who lost his moral compass, threw it out the window as he drove down the street, as he stopped at the house and walked to the door....