Day Four: Background Information

My name is Susan.  I am a Teacher's Aide/Instructional Assistant/Special Education Assistant.  I have been called all those titles at some point in my short time in this career.  I work in a middle school in the suburbs of a mid-size major University city.  I am being vague for privacy reasons.

Within my short tenure at the middle school our community has been the fastest growing in overall numbers and in diversity in the state.  There has been a lot of changes.  How our schools look.  How the community looks.

The city has changed.

I have been stagnant.

Almost all of my transgressions lie in one simple truth; I wanted conformity. 

Isn't that the basis of all our transgressions.  We think our way is the only way.  The best way and we want everyone to conform.  Be just like us.  The crux in this way of thinking is we are not creatures of conformity.  We all feel differently.  See things differently.  Look differently.   

I can't pinpoint when I started to feel tremors of doubt in my thinking.  It's been a slow uprooting process.  

I have always known of the injustice.  I have been a party to it.  I spent my early years in Chicago where I was told to 'lock your doors' when I entered a black neighborhood.  I still carry this anxiety with me.

Now as an adult I can't use this as an excuse..  These are the transgressions of a past generation. This is not me.

But then Ahmaud Arbery

Ahmaud Arbery

Ahmaud Arbery

Ahmaud Arbery

But then George Floyd.

George Floyd.

George Floyd.

George Floyd.

I was heart-broken.

One moment of change is when I read 'The Nickel Boys' by Colson Whitehead.  Elwood Curtis, the main character in the novel was almost the same age as the middleschoolers I taught.  But this was the past?  There are no institution like that now right?  Sure there is racism but not THAT.  We have grown and changed right?? 

But then Ahmaud Arbery

Ahmaud Arbery

Ahmaud Arbery

Ahmaud Arbery

But then George Floyd.

George Floyd.

George Floyd.

George Floyd.

I wanted to share my thoughts.  Feelings. ALL my emotions on social media.  But I couldn't.  I was leading with emotion and all I could think was this will be fleeting.  You will sound this out on these platforms.  You will fight this fight but you are not really changed.  You will always be the same person you were yesterday and the day before that and the day before that.  This will not change you.  Not the change that you need. 

When I lead with emotion I burn myself out.  I knew I needed to be genuine and thoughtful.  I needed to look within myself and demand change.  Before I tried to change others.

My role is I work in a middle school.  I work with young men and women of color.  I need to change how I interact with all young men and young women of color.  

So this is the beginning.  I study.  I research.  I listen.  I read books.  I listen to podcast.  I hear from the real change-makers and make changes from within.  I document here.  

Feel free to leave suggestions below.